I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
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