I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
