I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
