Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
