she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
