Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I pour the whiskey from now on
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
