ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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