end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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