Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
