My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
