just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
