I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
