just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
too bad you live with your parents still
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
