just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
