cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
