now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
