bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
