I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
