Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
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