I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
In America we eat man semen.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
