I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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