got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
At least life still wants to fuck me.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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