In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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