I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
me + whiskey = a bad person
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
