I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
We need to get me chipped asap
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
