Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
