i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
