The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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