can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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