There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
being pregnant is like rehab
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
