fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
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