Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
