you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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