the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
