Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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