I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You dont lie about slip and slides
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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