When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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