My cat gives me a boner
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
