how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
