I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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