Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
