And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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