There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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