Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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