My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
i now understand why vodka
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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