you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
