don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
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