I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
