Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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