I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
